I fought the meme, and the meme won. This one is a test of Britishness, I believe, with the things I've done in bold:

Waited for forty minutes in the rain for a bus and then two come at once.
Well, obviously.

Fought someone bodily for the last packet of butterscotch Angel Delight in the convenience store.
No, but I've certainly eaten it. And on tinned fruit too.

Failed to find Last of the Summer Wine at all amusing. Or indeed, to have any point whatsoever.
Haven't seen it for years but I seem to remember it was sort of charming.

Danced with delight the morning after a general election.
Yes, in 1997. It was my first vote too. LITTLE DID I KNOW.

Shouted at Radio 4.
With disturbing regularity.

Bought Marks & Spencer's underwear.
Yes, but only bras. My mum still buys me the knickers for Christmas.

Made bubble and squeak.
No. I should though, as it's lovely!

Complained about the weather.
About three times a day. It's automatic.

Stood in the doorway or by the window gazing out at rain/snow/hail as though it were a new phenomenon.
But come on, hail and snow *are* amazing!

Tried to use a public loo and been forced to walk out again and cross your legs till you got home due to sheer disgustingness of same.
I don't even TRY.

Had a Hornby train set.
No, it was all Transformers in my day.

Said 'ah well, mustn't grumble'.
Yes, but only ironically. Oh alright, I say it all the time, and mean it.

Honestly believed that Marmite is an actual foodstuff.
Was there any doubt? Bah.

Thought that cider was a girlie drink and only realised the error the day after, when that whole hideous karaoke striptease incident comes flooding back and you realise you're wearing someone else's pants.
No, having grown up on Diamond White, I would never make this error.

Made Heath Robinson-esque sculptures out of Meccano.
No, we didn't have Meccano. Only Lego.

Used leaf tea, warmed the teapot, and put the milk in last.
But only when I have vistors.

Been taken to 'The Nutcracker' as a Christmas treat.
Less 'Nutcracker', more 'Holiday on Ice'.

Taken ballet lessons.
I only went to about three classes though, as I couldn't do up my shoes on my own.

Been to a panto.
Yes.

Read Noddy books as a child.
Yep.

Had riding lessons and joined the Pony Club.
No, I was the only non-horsey one in my group of friends though.

Watched 'Blue Peter' twice a week, every week, for at least five years.
Yes, and I had a badge too.

Know that 'Dr Who' had an existence prior to his incarnation as Tom Baker.
I suppose so, although I'm too young to have watched it then.

Consider 'Blake's 7' the apotheosis of British TV science fiction.
No. But then again, IS there any other British TV science fiction?

Had nits.
Sadly, yes.

Seen a performance by Morris Dancers.
Far too many.

Been to the Glastonbury festival.
No, I've always been either too poor or too wary of mud I suppose.

Said 'bollocks' a lot.
Of course.

Played on an old Second World War bombsite as a child.
I don't think they bombed Brighton.

Had a father/grandfather who fought in the War but never talked about it.
Well, I think so. He, um, never talked about it after all...

Know that the Second World War started in 1939, not 1941?
Yes indeed.

Have parents/grandparents who remember the Blitz and rationing.
Yes, though they most often talk about the END of rationing, when you didn't have to make cakes with vinegar and you ate white sugar sandwiches and stuff.

Been hunt sabbing.
Nah. All power to the sabs and everything but I just don't care THAT much about foxes.

Played in a children's playground floored with SOLID CONCRETE!
All the time. What, are you some kind of pussy?

Been stuck on the Tube for more than 20 minutes for no reason that is ever divulged to anyone.
Absolutely. Spice of life.

Gone Christmas shopping in Harrods/Selfridges.
God no, Xmas shopping is hellish enough as it is, without going to London as well.

Bought the Big Issue.
Yes, but less often now there's about 8 million vendors on my route into town, I'm ashamed to say.

Given old clothes/books/stuff to Oxfam.
All the time.

Been to France on a school trip.
Too many times for Dieppe to hold any more interest.

Made a crown for a nativity play with old-style Rowntree's Fruit Gums.
What? How would this work? No.

Made anything from a Blue Peter programme. (Bonus points if you attempted the comedy Christmas Wreath using M&S food bags.)
Yes. My finest moment was a caravan for My Little Ponies.

Carry an umbrella for more than three hundred days a year.
No, because I always lose them.

Had a parent who stood, most embarrassingly, for local council elections.
No, though they did protest against nuclear weapons and the poll tax and 'Thatcher milk snatcher' and god knows what else.

Managed to live in the UK but not visit all of its constituent counties.
Yes. Some of them are rubbish, after all.

Been to a foreign supermarket and stocked up on Nutella to a ludicrous extent.
You can get Nutella here, silly!

Been on a booze cruise to Calais.
No, can't be arsed.

Holidayed at the seaside every year and caught crabs in rockpools.
No, because I LIVE at the seaside.

Consider 'Europe' a foreign country.
Um, yes. Sorry.

Were christened CofE, but have never been to church except for weddings, christenings and funerals.
Nah, wasn't christened at all. We're all heathens.

Had a Sindy doll.
Yes, a few in fact. My favourite looked like Princess Diana. Barbie was slightly suspect.

Remember 'Marathon', 'Opal Fruits', 'Jif' and 'Oil of Ulay'.
What do you mean, 'remember'?!

Consider fish 'n' chips a basic food staple, not a Quaint British Novelty.
Oh yes, I eat it about once a week.

Had curry sauce on your chips.
No, yuck.

Don't celebrate St Patrick's Day. Still less call him 'St Pat', 'St Paddy' or, as I have seen today, 'St Patty'.
No. I can drink Guiness any day of the year and I hate stupid hats.

Never say "gotten".
Well really. Why would I?

Harbour fond memories for the Beano and Dandy.
My sister was more of a fan. We had a great Dennis the Menace board game.

Was a Brownie and then a Girl Guide
Haha, I went to Brownies maybe four times before getting hit in the face with a football and deciding that reading books was more my thing.

Watched Hetty Wainthrope the first time it was shown and thought little Geoffrey was sweet.
Not sure I ever saw it.

Remember Kathy Gale (Honor Blackman) in the Avengers.
Never watched it.

Get ALL the jokes in Monty Python.
I expect so.

Remember the days when 'Top of the Pops' could make or break a popstar.
No, I just remember watching it with the subtitles on so we could sing along.

Travelled from one end of the country (let's say England) to the other in one day and called it a long but do-able journey.
Well, it IS long. Especially if you catch a train. Phew!

Used a racist term and then paused, waiting for someone to come arrest you for being un-PC.
No.

Cried when we lost the World Cup in football (that game with a round ball and two goals, NOT the American version of rugby)
Yes. Something I've had to do a LOT.

Via Scarlet.

16:09

. . .

1st rule of poetry slams: amongst the contestants there is always one person you want to cover in praise and adoration, and one person you would like to submerge in a barrel of burning oil.

2nd rule of poetry slams: amongst the audience there is always (at least) one drunk person being vocally - if not coherently - critical and offensive.

3rd rule of poetry slams: none of the judges will deviate more than 2 points from the first score given (which is why you should always hold up your score card FIRST, to avoid this anxiety of influence).

Monday's slam was good fun but these things always make me feel a bit Dorothy Parkerish: People Who DO Things exceed my endurance/God, for a man who solicits insurance! Everyone is suddenly running a night or publishing a pamphlet or launching a website or in some way inflicting their obsessions upon a city already groaning at the seams with 'Events'. Not that I begrudge them, it just wears me out after a while.

Speaking of which, one of my more antisocial pastimes is doing cryptic crosswords, and there was a nice clue in the Guardian today: 'Clown the suspected cause of downfall at Brighton?' (7) Answers in the comments box pls!

14:46

. . .

Book 34: Venus As A Boy by Luke Sutherland
A fantastic little book about sex and drugs and um, turning into gold... Puts the sleaze into lyricism and vice versa.

Book 35: Wrong About Japan by Peter Carey
I'm not sure I liked this. As a memoir it's a bit too tricksy, as journalism it's sketchy to say the least, and the whole approach is slightly wearying. I generally distrust art that makes a big deal about 'otherness' - one person's otherness is another's normality after all, and fetishising it is just immature. Plus it tends to privilege the standpoint of the observer, intentionally or not.

14:23

. . .

A brief outline of the past few days: pond envy and cheese appreciation with S. on Thursday; philosophy of research methodologies OUCH on Friday; library, ironing, Frogmore slush-pile sifting and research methods reading on Saturday; wonderful walk in bluebell woods near Arlington (no bluebells yet but lots of wood anemones and sunshine) and enormous drunken pizza and ice cream binge on Sunday; hectic first day of term and challenging proof-reading job (something to do with 'knocking' in car engines?) on Monday. Ooh, that's today. Up to date then, barring the poetry slam I'm going to tonight which I may report on later.

16:46

. . .